Archive for October, 2012

Bearing #5

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 8, 2012 by charleecat

Every pregnancy has been hard for me.  This pregnancy seems to have been especially hard.  And this time, not just physically (which unfortunately has been worse, too), but also emotionally.  I have had two moments of actually being excited about the about the baby coming.  I have been grateful for his/her life, accepting that I will be happy to hold him/her in my arms, thrilled to feel like God has named this baby whether boy or girl, but actual personal excitement…anticipation….twice.  In 35 weeks.

My other 4 children and husband have definitely carried me on this one.  They are all VERY excited.  They kiss my belly, talk to the baby, tell me how excited they are and can’t wait to meet him or her.  Ask how much longer it will be.  I enjoy them enjoying the new baby stuff.

I’ve realized tonight that I’m feeling emotionally disconnected in so many areas.  So many times I want to enjoy my kids and end up feeling frustrated with them.  I have moments of feeling proud of them, and then feeling totally drained and wishing I could be by myself.

And it’s not just my kids.  I feel like I have failed “being there” for the people closest to me.  All I have wanted to do these past 8 months is to shut myself up away from everybody and SLEEP through this pregnancy.  Not because I’m that tired, but because I want to escape.  And right now, I’m feeling like that will never end.  I’m afraid that when this is all said and done, and I have my baby to hold, nothing else will be left for me to come back to because I have invested so little, and failed so much.

I can’t sleep through life.  And I can’t sleep through the experience God is allowing me to have.  I told my youngest boy tonight as we were cleaning out a nasty wound that sometimes, God allows bad things to happen to us so that we have the opportunity to grow in our responses.  Perhaps my pregnancies are hard so that I have the opportunity to fight and come alive.

God help me to LIVE, not just exist for the next 3-5 weeks.  I don’t want to be shut down emotionally anymore.  I want to love, pray, and ask how other people are doing.  I want the sphere of my mind to be expanded to more than just how I can make it through the day, but to include others who are still living, too!  I’m ok with uncomfortable, as long as it’s where You want me to be.  Help me to live outside of my comfort zone.